Better here than the trash can, maybe.

So a few weeks ago I wrote an article for my magazine writing class. I was pretty geeked about it and handed in that sucker in high spirits. One week later I got it back, and whoo-boy. The only comment I got back from my teacher that vaguely danced around positive was, "I get that this is supposed to be funny, but..." Basically, she hated it, didn't understand why I wrote it, and told me that I could rewrite it all I wanted but if I turned in that article for my final she could not give me anything close to a good grade. She could have saved herself a lot of writing and just given it back to me with a big poop stain in the middle and the message would have been the same.

The final is due tomorrow, so I am in Starbucks writing a whole new article. However, I think that the original is pretty damn good, especially if you've ever worked at a restaurant (I haven't, but it's okay because I am a genius). It's a first draft, but it's good. Unfortunately, there is nothing more I can do with it. I can't market it anywhere (sadly there is no "Restaurant Servers' Digest") and I'm not going to rewrite it. So, I'm going to retire it here, for all of you (all 2 of you or however many people read this) to enjoy. I've cut out the intro and the conclusion because they are admittedly bad. Here it is! Enjoy it! Or leave comments like, "Why would I want to read this?" and "I don't get this," and "When I read this, I am like, what???" (Actual things my professor said about it in class.) READY? GO!

5 Ways To Annoy Your Restaurant Server

1. Make Your Problems Your Server’s Problems. Did your dog pee on the sofa last week? Your son failed his drug test? Sounds like reason enough to get snappy with the waiter. Did the kitchen forget to take the basil out of your tomato basil pasta? Cut Julietta’s tip in half. Do your best to complain about things your server can’t change: the economy, your favorite team’s losing season, your marriage. Is your job frustrating and unrewarding? Make your server’s more so. Remember, if you’ve had a bad day, your server should, too.

2. Demand More Service Than You Intend To Pay For. Get really fussy about how you want that $3.00 hoagie prepared. Ask for as many samples as you can get away with, then order a garden salad. Send food back to the kitchen for unclear reasons, and then decide you’re not actually hungry, after all. Carl at the downtown diner is making $2.70 an hour, and thanks to you, he’s going to work for it.

3. Come With A Huge Group. This is key, but it takes a team effort. Have your group trickle in slowly, but make the server wait until everyone is present to take orders. That’s your way of saying, hey buddy, we’re going to be here awhile. When everyone does arrive, ask for separate checks. If this isn’t possible, ensure that nobody covers the tip. After the server takes your orders and walks away, change seats. Get audibly upset when he mixes up your dishes. You’ve got to keep him guessing! After you’ve paid the bill, sit around and visit for a while. That table is your living room.

4. Turn Your Server Into Your Pet Monkey. Seize any opportunity to entertain your party at your server’s expense. Force her to passively interact with you with phrases like, “I’m sure Katie here can’t tell it’s a toupee, Bob,” or “You’re rooting for the Broncos tomorrow, aren’t you, honey? That’s right.” Make passes at her and throw in a sexist comment now and then. If your server is male, assume he is the manservant you never had. Demand service constantly and steal his time from other tables. As far as you are concerned, this is a monogamous relationship. Your table is the only one in the restaurant.

5. Bring A Child. This trick is so simple, yet so often overlooked. Don’t underestimate the effectiveness of an unruly brat. If you don’t have your own kids, borrow one or four from a friend. As soon as you’re seated, forget you brought any children and let them roam the restaurant and crawl under the tables. Teach them to bite if they don’t already know how. Remember you brought kids long enough to demand that little Timmy have a green crayon. Not blue, but green – and just forget about red. If those rambunctious little tykes feel at all inclined to sit down for one minute, use this time to train them to spill their drinks when the server is present. Why clean it up yourself when you can guilt someone else into doing it? Lastly, if all else fails, remember that nothing induces a headache faster than a screamer.

SO THAT'S IT. That's the bag of crap I left burning on my professor's doorstep. I hope it made you cry and wring your hands in confusion. WHATEVER, COLLEGE. I'll give you the money, and you'll give me the degree, and we'll both back away slowly.